In a cold little mirror you were grown, by a black little wind you were blown.

Black, black sheep boy,
blue-eyed charmer,
head hanging with horns from your father.
In a cold little mirror you were grown,
by a black little wind you were blown,
alone, alone, alone.
Cold smile on your lips,
you shake and shiver.
Some animal slips
where the river flows
from a black little crack in a stone
to the crackle in a radio song.
Sing along, sing along, sing along.
Warm light when your eyes
fill with laughter.
Some animal lies
in the pasture,
holes in its throat
where the blood was drawn,
in its mouth where the tongue was torn
by your claw, your claws, your claws.
I rose from  dream.
We were running
from every being
that was hunting,
but we let them get ahead of us.
We let them lie in wait for us.
We're fucked, we're fucked, we're fucked.
I rose from a dream.
I had just destroyed everything
with one crushing blow,
and I woke up and watched it go,
and I woke up and wagged my tongue.
So long, so long, so long.


I had a brief stint with Okkervil River, which, at the time, would have seemed like a really amazing idea had I the capability to think through my actions at all. I mean, as far as bad decisions go, indulging in depressing music is hardly the worst thing I could have done, but it seemed (still seems) like the lowest I could sink. I have done worse out of desperation, but this included words. This summed it up. Everything else was just a buzz in comparison.

I'm not quite sure why words matter so much to me when I'm judging the importance of things. There are some unspoken things which are horrific, but words aren't any less so. Just because a person is indulging in words instead of actions does not mean they're immediately off the hook, clean, fine. It doesn't mean they're okay.

Furthermore, I'm not sure what I see in Okkervil River that's so threatening -- in specific, their album, Black Sheep Boy (the other albums are alright). It's a band that reminds me of Tool, not because of the sound, but because one time Zaineb showed it to me and said they were her favourite band and I was horrified by how dark it was. The thing is, Tool isn't actually that dark, but it seemed it at the time. It seemed like I was opening up some pit of horror and despair that previously had not been opened up by anything else other than cage beds and Chinese foot binding (both pretty bad things I had nightmares about a long long time ago), and I did not want to delve into that . . . at least, not when I was 14.

This is all very hard to word because I am not actually sure why I feel so strongly about Okkervil River and Tool. If you've seen the "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared" video, it's the same feeling.

I remember sitting in the corner of my room and just streaming this CD over and over while staring at the computer screen blankly and I thought, "Yes, I relate to this.", when I thought at all because thinking was difficult. On some level, it still is, but I think I've somehow climbed out of that pit. Or maybe I've crawled so far in that I can't see the outside to make comparisons anymore. Regardless, it was not a good time for me and I channelled my feelings through that CD.

Black Sheep Boy documents the thoughts of a heroin addict, which is a weird start because I have never harboured any desire to try heroin and I probably won't because if this was my low point and all I did was listen to music then I'm a pretty mild person as far as acting out goes. I guess what drew me to it was the desperation of the whole thing, and the ease with which the singer narrates his plans to steal away someone he knows so they both can live vicariously through heroin before they both die, the pale, broken way in which the reclusive, animal life of the Black Sheep Boy is led. The entire thing, despite not really resonating with me literally, was what my vision of the world was. "I can barely whisper, it's like dying."

That wasn't too long ago, though: only around a month. It feels so much longer, though, as I listen to the songs again and feel that unease building up. It comes up now because I was scrolling through spotify and looked at the song and thought, "Hell, I'm in a bad mood, let's give this a shot." but I realised soon that this was a heartbreaking sort of feeling, completely teenagerey and normal. Black Sheep Boy delves into a void deeper than that, and it's a void I'm not going into again.