But this isn't a rant about how perfect last November was, because that's a whole thing in and of itself. Hopefully, looking at this list of songs, I can channel July and feel what I felt then long enough to write about it.
1. I Still Care for You, Ray Lamontagne
This is almost a precursor to Bon Iver's album (and it comes right before Bon Iver's song, too! That wasn't an accident). This song was the first time I got a glimpse of this achy, moody, flowy sort of music style that I've come to love a lot. The song itself is really simple, and the lyrics aren't really that extravagant or poetic, even though the song feels like it is. The music carries the message more than the actual words do, because this is a song about sadness and being left behind and having to pick up the pieces but not being able to, so all you can say is, "I still care for you." You're so shell-shocked and frozen that you repeat the same thing over and over and the waves of all you feel rushes over you, but it's tender, too. I still care for you.
2. Holocene, Bon Iver
One of the most famous Bon Iver songs, along with Skinny Love. This used to bother me, especially when people wouldn't understand the meaning of the song. Whereas a lot of Bon Iver songs on his newer album are open to interpretation (by design) and even the same person does not see the same things on every single listen, I think the meaning of this song is the clearest out of all the others in the album. I should mention that the album's concept was an emphasis on sound over lyrics, which is why a lot of the time the lyrics are nonsensical. They're not cryptically trying to convey a deeper meaning; a lot of the time, a word is there just because it "sounds right". The repeating phrase in Holocene, though, is, "At once, I knew I was not magnificent." and, "I can see for miles, miles, miles." Literally, I envision hikers finding themselves on a mountaintop overlooking the land beneath them, so high up that the curvature of the earth is actually visible (I have been in a somewhat similar situation climbing a very very tall Mayan pyramid two years ago), or a pilot when he journeys up on a cloudless night, the land beneath him ablaze with tiny pinpricks of light (I have seen this, too). It's an awe of everything in the world and how spectacular it is, and acknowledging that in your regular, day-to-day life, you do not realise how wonderful the world is. You need to be reminded.
3. Welcome Home, Radical Face
We're keeping the airy feel but it's slowly moving toward ground. This is less idealistic than Holocene and I Still Care For You. While the song initially captured my attention because of the melody, the lyrics matter in this one.
It's simultaneously sad but confident; life's been bad but it's going to be okay because he's safe in the familiarity of his home, even if it's a meagre existence. He's entirely committed to getting through it and moving past all the bad things that have happened, but sometimes the resolve falters and he falls: "All my nightmares escape my head. Bar the door, please, don't let them in. You were never supposed to leave, now my head's splitting at the seams, and I don't know if I can."
In the end he resigns, admitting that his ghosts still haunt him: "Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs press into my skin again." No matter how determined he is, the ghost doesn't leave, but they don't slam, screech, break things. They press into him underneath his lungs, where he can feel their gentle yet persistent force every single time he takes a breath.
It's important to at least note that in the album by Radical Face, a major theme is being haunted by ghosts (in that particular album, the ghost of one very bad and abusive relationship).
4. The Conductor's Regress, The Winston Jazz Routine
This one starts off slowly but the strings slowly build underneath the brass until they burst out above the dominant melody, making the song more complex but still calm.
And then there are violins and they're slow and you'd think they'd be sad but it's more nostalgic than anything. Crisp autumn leaves and the past remembered with a bittersweet taste in your mouth, but you're left feeling like the future is just as rich as the past is.
I asked for this CD for last Christmas and that's what it feels like. I listened to it a lot around that time because it seemed perfect. It still seems perfect, except now the songs are too slow.
5. No Children, The Mountain Goats
So after the last song you're expecting something happy BUT NO because I'm cruel. This is an abrasive, scary, and chillingly relatable song (although I have no idea why because I've never been in a bad marriage). It reminds me a bit of friendships and relationships that have ended less than favourably and that time right after when all I wanted was death unto the other person for being so terrible, and unto me for having to deal with the aftermath.
I don't know how much I have to say about this song except that it's right because it's exactly as angry as it should be.
6. In Our Bedroom After the War, Stars
I don't know what it is about the song which makes me feel very okay. It's France streets bustling with a very French crowd: pleasant and soft and lovely. It's the love that makes it rain. It's the contentedness you feel walking by the bay by yourself in the early morning. It's those very special conditions where it can be sunny and happy without being despicable and lifeless and fake.
7. Everything is Ending, Chameleon Circuit
I'm not an Amy/Doctor shipper. This song is good for every reason the dynamics of their "relationship" is in the show - Amy feels connected to the Doctor, thinks their meeting to be fate, is convinced that they're supposed to be together forever. She's desperately in love with the man she's known since she was a child. He attempts to extract himself from this because he doesn't want to get into any sort of romantic relationship with this girl; all he really wants is her friendship. As her friend, he wants to help her, but sometimes her depth and complexity astounds even the man of the stars. So how could she, confusing and tragic Amy Pond, his friend Amy Pond, suddenly be coming onto him, a genius who hides behind childishness to avoid feeling pain?
8. A Un Autre Comme Moi, Laurena Segura
Je croyais que j’avais trouvé quelqu’un qui était comme moi, mais non, ce n’est pas toi.
Je voulais être en amour, oui, et je veux toujours l’être.
Non, tu ne m’en empêcheras pas.
J’ai déjà cru appartenir aux personnes qui pardonnent, qui oublient puis fredonnent, mais quand les mensonges se multiplient, mon cœur perd des couleurs et puis je m’assombrie.
Je marche à l’école quand il fait encore noir, dehors, et le soir même, j’étudie, je fais mes devoirs.
C’était très bien d’avoir une distraction de temps en temps.
Sans tes niaiseries, les journées passeraient lentement.
Et si je t’aimais, me parlerais-tu pour autant?
Et si je t’ignore, est-ce que ça te blesserait facilement?
La météo n’est pas fiable, mais pas autant que toi, non pas autant que toi.
Les nouvelles du jour me font pleurer, mais pas autant que toi, jamais autant que toi.
La météo n’est pas fiable, mais pas autant que toi.
Je voulais être en amour, oui, et tu ne m’en empêcheras pas.
J’ai déjà crus appartenir aux personnes qui pardonnent, qui oublient puis fredonnent
I used to think that I found someone who was like me, but no, it's not you.Basically the song is Robert (am I allowed to say that?). It's not really accusing anymore, just stating sadly. "Je croyais que j'avais trouve quelqu'un qui etait comme moi, mais non, ce n'est pas toi." I used to think we were a thing, that you understood me, that you were like me. You're not, though. You never were, and now I'm alone and your words hurt me more than I ever thought possible. Do I mean anything at all to you?
I would like to be in love, yes, and I'll always want to be.
No, you won't stop me.
I once believed I belong with people who forgive, who forget and then hum, but when the lies multiplied, my heart lost its colours and I grew dim.
I walk to school when it's still dark, and at night, I study and do my homework.
It's great to have a distraction from time to time.
Without your silliness, the days pass slowly.
And if I liked you, would you still talk to me?
And if I ignore you, would you ignore me easily?
The weather is unreliable, but not as much as you.
The news makes me cry, but not as much as you, never as much as you.
It's just overall sad and very, very resigned.
It also, for some reason, reminds me of something but I can't remember what. It's nostalgic for everything that's ever happened and ever will happen.
9. Stubborn Love, The Lumineers
Beautiful, gorgeous song. My favourite on the album. Something about it feels very much like me, which I know is weird to say, but it feels like it could encompass my life. It would be on the soundtrack because of its feel.
I'm not going to lie, much of the appeal of this song is because of its sound. The lyrics, save for, "It's better to feel pain than nothing at all, the opposite of love's indifference." and, "I don't blame you, dear, running like you did all these years. I would do the same, you best believe. The highway signs say we're close, but I don't read those things anymore. I never trusted my own eyes.", are almost irrelevant.
When you listen to this song don't try to find a meaning in the progression of the melody or the lyrics. Don't try to make historical references or appeal to a sense of aesthetic appeal. Close your eyes and go with the music and maybe you will feel like it's completely you, too, and that it doesn't need to be anything else to be right.
Tyler showed me this CD several months ago. I loved it when I first listened to it. There have been very few CDs that I have accepted with as much enthusiasm.
10. The Trapeze Swinger, Iron & Wine
The most lyrically heavy song on this CD, and it seems almost too much. I don't know where to start describing this song.
You're pleading with someone you were once close to that they don't forget you, or that they remember you fondly. You're reliving these memories and suddenly just get so lost because it must mean something, right? There must be some common thread there, something to learn about humanity.
There are a lot of things to take from this song, especially if you isolate the lines. In the end, it's a person remembering and reminiscing and saying, "Can you remember? Look at all we were!" because life went on but he's not quite ready to move on with it.
But there are so many memories, see? If you remember too much you're lost in all that's happened, unable to make your way, confused and searching for meaning where there isn't any.
I remember listening to this song on the LIRR with Elana, heading to nerdprom. She looked fab as always and I actually wore a dress and matched it with stuff. I thought I looked uber cute but I don't have any pictures so just take my word for it, okay? We sat at two chairs right by the door and she said, "Do you have music?" and this was the first thing that played and we just sat in silence for the entire 9 minutes of the same melody over and over. Later that night, I ate the world's largest burger and made plans with people that were never fulfilled. I felt okay.
11. Civilian, Wye Oak
I can't write about this song. I know for some of the other songs I said I can't word it but for this one I'm not even going to try to write something. I got this song from a playlist Emily made of music Nate showed her. I try to disassociate this song from that because Nate always made me mad and Emily makes me feel mixed things, a lot of which are not good, so I'm going to just leave it here. This is a good song. When I forget about this song it always comes back just as good as it was the first time.
12. Hummingbird, 41st and Home
One time I was telling Maarya about this song and how excited it made me, but I think she was scared that it was angry and I liked it, so she didn't share in my enthusiasm.
I had a phase in which all I listened to was this song. I think it was something about the melody of it; I'm not a terribly deep person sometimes, I can be obsessed with a song just because it sounds good. I even made a spotify playlist dedicated to this song.
It hit me one day what he was saying at the end: "You'll make a fool of us all."
This is important because the whole song he's saying that the person should go and leave and it'll be okay because he understands, but in the end he screams, "You'll make a fool of us all, you'll make a fool of us all, you'll make a fool of us all."
13. Morning Song, The Lumineers
There seem to be a lot of Tyler songs on here, which is weird because Tyler was the last thing on my mind in July (sorry, Tyler, for both those statements). This song reminds me a lot of Waves, by Richard Walters before he was cool and put songs on CDs and sold them and stuff. If you're not familiar with that song (Tyler is), here.
This song stands out on The Lumineers album because the rest of it is relatively jovial. Even sad songs like Charlie Boy are just sad, and that's it. This song, though, is explosive. You think it's just going to be sad and quiet and slow while he's singing and then you get to the louder parts and you realise it's not all sad it's angry it's weeping it's tearing your heart through
Something about the juxtaposition. I think there have been attempts at scientifically proving that sort of thing. I'd go into that science but there are already so many things I want to do.
"It's a shame that it ends this way, with nothing left to say. So just sit on your hands while I walk away. It's a shame, it's a shame when my hands begin to shake, when bitterness is all I taste, when my car won't start because I cut the brakes. I hold on to a hope in my fate."
14. Along the Road, Radical Face
I had a very big Radical Face phase during the summer, which is funny because in 9th grade I put the exact same album on my iTunes wish list. Funny how things work.
This song is best listened to with earphones with your eyes closed when you lay or lean against something and remain still. Or looking up into the night sky ablaze with stars. Then you hear the creaking in the background and the tiny details, all the intricacies of the pattern the music paints in front of you.
This is how I felt when I stargazed at camp, laying out in that basketball field at the top of the hill with my arms oustretched. We, being new staff, were more scared of the night patrols than we should have been, and hid by the church-turned-theatre with our backs flat against the building and our breathing heavy. We thought maybe Eileen in the golf cart wouldn't see us, and we stood there like that for a long time, too afraid to peel ourselves off the wall and venture into the open air in front of us where we would be vulnerable. Finally, I disattached myself from our line and went into the centre of the basketball field, where I lay down and stared at the stars above me. Everyone else whispered behind me, saying things like, "What is she doing?", "Is she insane?", "Why did she just go lay down?" And then the whispers grew quieter, more scarce, until there was silence. I had my eyes closed, but I felt the person lay down next to me. "Tell me about space." Sarah said, so I did, and they listened, and I felt like this song.
15. We Love You So
9th grade
