I have been trying to write for days, aching to get my hands to a keyboard so I can type, but as soon as I get home the words that were flitting around in my head leave me and I save it for another day. Now I don't have a laptop with me, and it's so cruelly ironic, so fitting, that I want to use my words just when I cannot. So I'm writing this without editing in a scrawl I've rarely used before and it's all so different, isn't it?
Except it's not.
You know about my professed inability to accurately judge time and for a while I thought nothing of it but now I notice it more often and it really gets in the way. I don't even feel it anymore, it's as if I just popped out of whatever lines of time we were confined in (as relative as they may be, shout out to Einstein!) and now it seems so weird to think of anything in terms of past or present, anything but a direct NOW.
Sometimes this is useful. It gives a bit of perspective by removing perspective. Cry less because you know it won't matter to you later; worry less because there's a future directly intertwined with the present. But just as everything in the future is happening at once, so is everything in the past, which is why it's so difficult for me to distinguish between what happened last week and what happened two years ago. I know it's different but I feel the same. I am the same person. Time is standing still.
And we can speculate as to why this is. Is it because I haven't physically changed much since then? Is it because I've moved but not moved on because all the friends I've made here were fleeting and superficial? Is it because I was too stressed out to focus on the change in my life and feel comfortable with it? Is it because everyone insisted so much that I was younger that I started insisting it, too? But in the long run it doesn't matter why it happened because it's like this and it doesn't seem to be changing.
It's funny because I never had a problem being ~*stuck in the past*~. I was hung up on some things, sure, but I didn't really give the past as much thought as it seemed like I would. What was done was done and I have no regrets, and even back when I did regret, I wasn't too fond of gazing back wistfully. It wasted time and it made me sad and it was such a loser thing to do, I thought. I still am not stuck in the past in the way you'd use the phrase -- I don't lament my fortune or wish I had done things differently or constantly pick over the past with a fine-toothed comb. But I still can't stop feeling like my own life is going too fast for me to understand or get a grip of. I'm watching myself do things and it astounds me that anything has changed at all (has it?) because I seem to have turned away for a second and missed the next plot development in the soap opera.
Time stopped moving around July of 9th grade, sometime during NTS. Thanks God good work. It all feels so alien to me now to talk about and simultaneously very very close to home and I really don't want to get too deep into what happened around that time. I'm not writing this about time or my perception of it, anyway (maybe that letter will never be written), but to provide a somewhat succinct background so you, and I, can better understand what I'm feeling now.
Because it does not feel real. You do not feel real, and I'm sorry because that must hurt to hear. It's really nothing I can consciously control, though my particular memory of winter break is getting better. I try not to think about what we've done and I'm sure it happened but I can't bring myself to believe that I'm not dreaming it. I don't feel fulfilled. I slept through it, just like I slept through Wicked, and Phantom of the Opera, and that time we went to central park for nerdprom by ourselves. I want you back so I can make you real, because the pain of loss hurts less than the pain of forgetting, of not feeling, of disbelief. I always wanted to know, and now I do! Except I need to feel it also and how do I do that when I haven't felt for years?
It's like I've been cheated on, promised a prize only to have it snatched away. Unfair unfair. How can you talk of the future if I can't reconcile the past? How can you talk about college if I am still in 9th grade?
It's all disbelief -- disbelief that you would love me, that you would come here, that it would be comfortable and wonderful and good. Disbelief that I am here, that I am myself and I say the things I say and do the things I do. Come back, so that I can imprint your face in my memory and your heart on my lips and push push until I know that time is moving again. I'd rather lose you than have never had you at all. That was one of Becca's questions, wasn't it? I guess I never knew how to answer that until now. I don't demand of you to make me feel again, because that seems a hefty request to make and I feel somewhat self-centred and guilty and sick to make it. I'm not sure who else can help, though.
I got the clock working, if that means anything. I don't have much faith in it. Those little hands must be lying, moving forward with such confident precision and slaying time slowly, like the way glass is smoothed by the sea. How fitting that you should get me a watch.
But sometimes I wake up and I miss you terribly, and I remember you by my side, your body pressed to mine in bed, and even though that hurts, it might be a step in the right direction.
I love you.
Sofiya
Monday, January 7, 2013
Saturday, January 5, 2013
For Tyler and Maarya
A list of albums I think you might like (Tyler) and because you're interested (Maarya) and some descriptions
Transcendental Youth - The Mountain Goats
An acquired taste but once you get it they're really really good okay A+
All Eternals Deck - The Mountain Goats
Not as good as Transcendental Youth but it has some good ones and overall is pretty solid. Listen just for No Children and Damn These Vampires B
Gossamer - Passion Pit
Passion Pit should never have a reason. B+
Port of Morrow - The Shins
It's angsty. It's whiny. They're teenage boys (practically men!). They're like The Smiths. They even have a similar name. You will feel whole. A
The Head and the Heart - The Head and the Heart
Tyler already has this but it's good A+
Young the Giant - Young the Giant
Worth having just for Cough Syrup. That's how worthy this album is. A
For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver
Bon Iver before he got reclusive and incoherent. Bon Iver when he was cute and guitar-ey. Bon Iver reminds you of Twilight (and in a good way, too, which is totally weird). Bon Iver makes you love again. A+
The North - Stars
Sort of okay. Worth giving a shot if you've got money. B
Meteora - Linkin Park
JUST KIDDING.
NO.
Around the Well - Iron & Wine
Iron & Wine is one of those bands that you forget exists and then you're like, "Hey, I forgot this band exists!" and then you listen to all their music and you never hate anything again and pass all your classes and walk around in a totally zen mood and do meditation for fun. A+
Bon Iver - Bon Iver
One of my favourite albums so go for it bro seriously you will not be disappoint A+++++
Mirage Rock - Band of Horses
Pretty chill B
Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes
Feel-good music. A just cause it's so cute
Narrow Stairs - Death Cab for Cutie
Not one of the best but it's in the running up. A
The Whole Love - Wilco
You either get it or you don't B
O - Damien Rice
I already have this one and I can say with certainty that it is the bomb especially if you like soft, angsty, brooding vocals (RICHARD WALTERS COUGH). A+
Underwater - Joshua Radin
Just including this cause hey Joshua Radin! Where ya been Joshua Radin! Disappeared off the face Joshua Radin! More like Joshua RadOUT amirite B
The Shepherd's Dog - Iron & Wine
Better than Around the Well but not by a lot A+
Time Without Consequence - Alexi Murdoch
Just look at that face. All around quiet and pensive and not in the way Iron & Wine is (hint: in a worser way) B
Civilian - Wye Oak
I just really like the song Civilian. The rest of the album is good too I guess. Buy for the cover art. I don't have a problem shut up B+
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - Bright Eyes
If you can stomach whiny white boys crying about how hard life is then this is your lucky day because that's all Bright Eyes does. But seriously it ain't half bad. B+
Half-Made - Ben Sollee
Oh Ben Sollee you sex bomb you 10/10 would bang to this album
Harcore Will Never Die, But You Will - Mogwai
It's post-rock so make of it what you will but personally I'm a fan of Mogwai and post-rock so it's a pretty good deal for me A
Tamer Animals - Other Lives
MAN OH MAN HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALBUM TO BE IN MY POSSESSION SO I CAN STROKE IT KISS IT LOVE IT A+++
American Nomad - The Apache Relay
It's missing a certain something but I don't know why so B
The Lumineers - The Lumineers
I think we all have this CD by this point but can we just take a moment to appreciate
Night Visions - Imagine Dragons
A cute fun ride B
Using my very detailed methodology and criteria for selecting grades for each album, I have narrowed down the list to:
(for Tyler, in order of cool)
Transcendental Youth - The Mountain Goats
An acquired taste but once you get it they're really really good okay A+
All Eternals Deck - The Mountain Goats
Not as good as Transcendental Youth but it has some good ones and overall is pretty solid. Listen just for No Children and Damn These Vampires B
Gossamer - Passion Pit
Passion Pit should never have a reason. B+
Port of Morrow - The Shins
It's angsty. It's whiny. They're teenage boys (practically men!). They're like The Smiths. They even have a similar name. You will feel whole. A
The Head and the Heart - The Head and the Heart
Tyler already has this but it's good A+
Young the Giant - Young the Giant
Worth having just for Cough Syrup. That's how worthy this album is. A
For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver
Bon Iver before he got reclusive and incoherent. Bon Iver when he was cute and guitar-ey. Bon Iver reminds you of Twilight (and in a good way, too, which is totally weird). Bon Iver makes you love again. A+
The North - Stars
Sort of okay. Worth giving a shot if you've got money. B
Meteora - Linkin Park
JUST KIDDING.
NO.
Around the Well - Iron & Wine
Iron & Wine is one of those bands that you forget exists and then you're like, "Hey, I forgot this band exists!" and then you listen to all their music and you never hate anything again and pass all your classes and walk around in a totally zen mood and do meditation for fun. A+
Bon Iver - Bon Iver
One of my favourite albums so go for it bro seriously you will not be disappoint A+++++
Mirage Rock - Band of Horses
Pretty chill B
Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes
Feel-good music. A just cause it's so cute
Narrow Stairs - Death Cab for Cutie
Not one of the best but it's in the running up. A
The Whole Love - Wilco
You either get it or you don't B
O - Damien Rice
I already have this one and I can say with certainty that it is the bomb especially if you like soft, angsty, brooding vocals (RICHARD WALTERS COUGH). A+
Underwater - Joshua Radin
Just including this cause hey Joshua Radin! Where ya been Joshua Radin! Disappeared off the face Joshua Radin! More like Joshua RadOUT amirite B
The Shepherd's Dog - Iron & Wine
Better than Around the Well but not by a lot A+
Time Without Consequence - Alexi Murdoch
Just look at that face. All around quiet and pensive and not in the way Iron & Wine is (hint: in a worser way) B
Civilian - Wye Oak
I just really like the song Civilian. The rest of the album is good too I guess. Buy for the cover art. I don't have a problem shut up B+
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - Bright Eyes
If you can stomach whiny white boys crying about how hard life is then this is your lucky day because that's all Bright Eyes does. But seriously it ain't half bad. B+
Half-Made - Ben Sollee
Oh Ben Sollee you sex bomb you 10/10 would bang to this album
Harcore Will Never Die, But You Will - Mogwai
It's post-rock so make of it what you will but personally I'm a fan of Mogwai and post-rock so it's a pretty good deal for me A
Tamer Animals - Other Lives
MAN OH MAN HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ALBUM TO BE IN MY POSSESSION SO I CAN STROKE IT KISS IT LOVE IT A+++
American Nomad - The Apache Relay
It's missing a certain something but I don't know why so B
The Lumineers - The Lumineers
I think we all have this CD by this point but can we just take a moment to appreciate
Night Visions - Imagine Dragons
A cute fun ride B
Using my very detailed methodology and criteria for selecting grades for each album, I have narrowed down the list to:
(for Tyler, in order of cool)
- Bon Iver
- O
- Tamer Animals
- The Shepherd's Dog
- Transcendental Youth
- Around the Well
- For Emma, Forever Ago
- Half-Made
- Port of Morrow
- Narrow Stairs
- Helplessness Blues
- Young the Giant
and, for myself:
- Tamer Animals
- Half-Made
- The Shepherd's Dog
- Around the Well
- Port of Morrow
- Transcendental Youth
- The Head and the Heart
- For Emma, Forever Ago
- Young the Giant
oh I can't afford all . . .
hmph
Friday, January 4, 2013
Is it all so very simple and horribly complex?
Horribly complex or awfully complex
I'm feeling particularly pensive today and I'm trying to ignore the one thing I really need to write about, so here have extra fun posts because I haven't posted in a while anyway.
The song originally goes, "Is it all so very simple and horribly complex?" In terms of blog titles, I prefer awfully as the leading word over horribly. Purely an aesthetic reason. But there is some difference in semantics which might be interesting to delve into.
Horribly, though overused a lot, connects to the word "horror", which holds a special place in my heart just because of its attempt to describe something so terrible. Awful, on the other hand, is more annoyance-based than fear-based (or disgust-based), at least for me. Awful is less strong than horrible. This may not actually hold true but it's always the impression it had on me. It's less of a dramatic word.
Horribly complex is more right than awfully complex.
But we try to keep a cheery attitude here so.
Anyway it's not the right blog title anymore. I still hold that line close to my heart but it needs to go.
I'm feeling particularly pensive today and I'm trying to ignore the one thing I really need to write about, so here have extra fun posts because I haven't posted in a while anyway.
The song originally goes, "Is it all so very simple and horribly complex?" In terms of blog titles, I prefer awfully as the leading word over horribly. Purely an aesthetic reason. But there is some difference in semantics which might be interesting to delve into.
Horribly, though overused a lot, connects to the word "horror", which holds a special place in my heart just because of its attempt to describe something so terrible. Awful, on the other hand, is more annoyance-based than fear-based (or disgust-based), at least for me. Awful is less strong than horrible. This may not actually hold true but it's always the impression it had on me. It's less of a dramatic word.
Horribly complex is more right than awfully complex.
But we try to keep a cheery attitude here so.
Anyway it's not the right blog title anymore. I still hold that line close to my heart but it needs to go.
In a cold little mirror you were grown, by a black little wind you were blown.
Black, black sheep boy,
blue-eyed charmer,
head hanging with horns from your father.
In a cold little mirror you were grown,
by a black little wind you were blown,
alone, alone, alone.
Cold smile on your lips,
you shake and shiver.
Some animal slips
where the river flows
from a black little crack in a stone
to the crackle in a radio song.
Sing along, sing along, sing along.
Warm light when your eyes
fill with laughter.
Some animal lies
in the pasture,
holes in its throat
where the blood was drawn,
in its mouth where the tongue was torn
by your claw, your claws, your claws.
I rose from dream.
We were running
from every being
that was hunting,
but we let them get ahead of us.
We let them lie in wait for us.
We're fucked, we're fucked, we're fucked.
I rose from a dream.
I had just destroyed everything
with one crushing blow,
and I woke up and watched it go,
and I woke up and wagged my tongue.
So long, so long, so long.
I had a brief stint with Okkervil River, which, at the time, would have seemed like a really amazing idea had I the capability to think through my actions at all. I mean, as far as bad decisions go, indulging in depressing music is hardly the worst thing I could have done, but it seemed (still seems) like the lowest I could sink. I have done worse out of desperation, but this included words. This summed it up. Everything else was just a buzz in comparison.
I'm not quite sure why words matter so much to me when I'm judging the importance of things. There are some unspoken things which are horrific, but words aren't any less so. Just because a person is indulging in words instead of actions does not mean they're immediately off the hook, clean, fine. It doesn't mean they're okay.
Furthermore, I'm not sure what I see in Okkervil River that's so threatening -- in specific, their album, Black Sheep Boy (the other albums are alright). It's a band that reminds me of Tool, not because of the sound, but because one time Zaineb showed it to me and said they were her favourite band and I was horrified by how dark it was. The thing is, Tool isn't actually that dark, but it seemed it at the time. It seemed like I was opening up some pit of horror and despair that previously had not been opened up by anything else other than cage beds and Chinese foot binding (both pretty bad things I had nightmares about a long long time ago), and I did not want to delve into that . . . at least, not when I was 14.
This is all very hard to word because I am not actually sure why I feel so strongly about Okkervil River and Tool. If you've seen the "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared" video, it's the same feeling.
I remember sitting in the corner of my room and just streaming this CD over and over while staring at the computer screen blankly and I thought, "Yes, I relate to this.", when I thought at all because thinking was difficult. On some level, it still is, but I think I've somehow climbed out of that pit. Or maybe I've crawled so far in that I can't see the outside to make comparisons anymore. Regardless, it was not a good time for me and I channelled my feelings through that CD.
Black Sheep Boy documents the thoughts of a heroin addict, which is a weird start because I have never harboured any desire to try heroin and I probably won't because if this was my low point and all I did was listen to music then I'm a pretty mild person as far as acting out goes. I guess what drew me to it was the desperation of the whole thing, and the ease with which the singer narrates his plans to steal away someone he knows so they both can live vicariously through heroin before they both die, the pale, broken way in which the reclusive, animal life of the Black Sheep Boy is led. The entire thing, despite not really resonating with me literally, was what my vision of the world was. "I can barely whisper, it's like dying."
That wasn't too long ago, though: only around a month. It feels so much longer, though, as I listen to the songs again and feel that unease building up. It comes up now because I was scrolling through spotify and looked at the song and thought, "Hell, I'm in a bad mood, let's give this a shot." but I realised soon that this was a heartbreaking sort of feeling, completely teenagerey and normal. Black Sheep Boy delves into a void deeper than that, and it's a void I'm not going into again.
blue-eyed charmer,
head hanging with horns from your father.
In a cold little mirror you were grown,
by a black little wind you were blown,
alone, alone, alone.
Cold smile on your lips,
you shake and shiver.
Some animal slips
where the river flows
from a black little crack in a stone
to the crackle in a radio song.
Sing along, sing along, sing along.
Warm light when your eyes
fill with laughter.
Some animal lies
in the pasture,
holes in its throat
where the blood was drawn,
in its mouth where the tongue was torn
by your claw, your claws, your claws.
I rose from dream.
We were running
from every being
that was hunting,
but we let them get ahead of us.
We let them lie in wait for us.
We're fucked, we're fucked, we're fucked.
I rose from a dream.
I had just destroyed everything
with one crushing blow,
and I woke up and watched it go,
and I woke up and wagged my tongue.
So long, so long, so long.
I had a brief stint with Okkervil River, which, at the time, would have seemed like a really amazing idea had I the capability to think through my actions at all. I mean, as far as bad decisions go, indulging in depressing music is hardly the worst thing I could have done, but it seemed (still seems) like the lowest I could sink. I have done worse out of desperation, but this included words. This summed it up. Everything else was just a buzz in comparison.
I'm not quite sure why words matter so much to me when I'm judging the importance of things. There are some unspoken things which are horrific, but words aren't any less so. Just because a person is indulging in words instead of actions does not mean they're immediately off the hook, clean, fine. It doesn't mean they're okay.
Furthermore, I'm not sure what I see in Okkervil River that's so threatening -- in specific, their album, Black Sheep Boy (the other albums are alright). It's a band that reminds me of Tool, not because of the sound, but because one time Zaineb showed it to me and said they were her favourite band and I was horrified by how dark it was. The thing is, Tool isn't actually that dark, but it seemed it at the time. It seemed like I was opening up some pit of horror and despair that previously had not been opened up by anything else other than cage beds and Chinese foot binding (both pretty bad things I had nightmares about a long long time ago), and I did not want to delve into that . . . at least, not when I was 14.
This is all very hard to word because I am not actually sure why I feel so strongly about Okkervil River and Tool. If you've seen the "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared" video, it's the same feeling.
I remember sitting in the corner of my room and just streaming this CD over and over while staring at the computer screen blankly and I thought, "Yes, I relate to this.", when I thought at all because thinking was difficult. On some level, it still is, but I think I've somehow climbed out of that pit. Or maybe I've crawled so far in that I can't see the outside to make comparisons anymore. Regardless, it was not a good time for me and I channelled my feelings through that CD.
Black Sheep Boy documents the thoughts of a heroin addict, which is a weird start because I have never harboured any desire to try heroin and I probably won't because if this was my low point and all I did was listen to music then I'm a pretty mild person as far as acting out goes. I guess what drew me to it was the desperation of the whole thing, and the ease with which the singer narrates his plans to steal away someone he knows so they both can live vicariously through heroin before they both die, the pale, broken way in which the reclusive, animal life of the Black Sheep Boy is led. The entire thing, despite not really resonating with me literally, was what my vision of the world was. "I can barely whisper, it's like dying."
That wasn't too long ago, though: only around a month. It feels so much longer, though, as I listen to the songs again and feel that unease building up. It comes up now because I was scrolling through spotify and looked at the song and thought, "Hell, I'm in a bad mood, let's give this a shot." but I realised soon that this was a heartbreaking sort of feeling, completely teenagerey and normal. Black Sheep Boy delves into a void deeper than that, and it's a void I'm not going into again.
Monday, December 17, 2012
So instead of writing my English essay I decided to write a blog post because I have so many feelings and nobody to gesticulate wildly with so you know how that ends, with my overloading.
I don't really have a point in writing this, either. Nothing really happened in the past two days worth writing about and for quite a long while I didn't feel like writing something formally would really help how I felt or how things were doing. It used to have purpose, some sort of solidity, but now there does not seem to be a point. Like this is so pointless that I don't even have a clever song title for this yet. I'll probably come up with one later, though.
But there are still pretty things and as long as there are pretty things I'll be around to talk about them.
First we have winter, and I know that there is in general a lot of winter love going around in the friend group, but I really really like winter. Mostly because of Christmas, because somehow I'm one of those people that gets unusually cheery and happy around the holidays. Everyone loves to hate those people but I've ended up as one of them and I'm not quite sure how but there it is, I really like the holidays. We haven't even gotten snow yet but I'm sure that if we did I'd just be off the walls insane because that would be so perfect. I think it's the weather and the snowflakes everywhere. It's just a good time and I like it.
Also things have been weird but we can for the most part ignore those except to acknowledge that they're there and weird and making other things weird.
I dunno I just feel really good today but that's subject to change and tomorrow I might feel horrid but that's just the way it is and I'm not sure what my point in making this is except everything is simultaneously the best thing ever and the worst thing ever and for the same reasons too not different reasons it's all beautiful because it all sucks and the air crystallises it so everything is wrapped up in a nice neat bow and wow isn't it so strange how it is isn't it so strange how things work out
I don't really have a point in writing this, either. Nothing really happened in the past two days worth writing about and for quite a long while I didn't feel like writing something formally would really help how I felt or how things were doing. It used to have purpose, some sort of solidity, but now there does not seem to be a point. Like this is so pointless that I don't even have a clever song title for this yet. I'll probably come up with one later, though.
But there are still pretty things and as long as there are pretty things I'll be around to talk about them.
First we have winter, and I know that there is in general a lot of winter love going around in the friend group, but I really really like winter. Mostly because of Christmas, because somehow I'm one of those people that gets unusually cheery and happy around the holidays. Everyone loves to hate those people but I've ended up as one of them and I'm not quite sure how but there it is, I really like the holidays. We haven't even gotten snow yet but I'm sure that if we did I'd just be off the walls insane because that would be so perfect. I think it's the weather and the snowflakes everywhere. It's just a good time and I like it.
Also things have been weird but we can for the most part ignore those except to acknowledge that they're there and weird and making other things weird.
I dunno I just feel really good today but that's subject to change and tomorrow I might feel horrid but that's just the way it is and I'm not sure what my point in making this is except everything is simultaneously the best thing ever and the worst thing ever and for the same reasons too not different reasons it's all beautiful because it all sucks and the air crystallises it so everything is wrapped up in a nice neat bow and wow isn't it so strange how it is isn't it so strange how things work out
Monday, November 12, 2012
15 songs - July
This was my favourite song list from July, but the list has changed quite a bit -- I Still Care for You, The Conductor's Regress, In Our Bedroom After the War, and Everything is Ending would probably be taken off. I'd replace them with Florence. Lots of Florence: All This and Heaven Too, Never Let Me Go, Only If For a Night. The Illusionist CD. It would actually just be 75% of that CD. That CD burns and trembles with the same thing Bon Iver's CD did exactly a year ago, and it's almost like reclaiming the perfection of last November without getting lost.
But this isn't a rant about how perfect last November was, because that's a whole thing in and of itself. Hopefully, looking at this list of songs, I can channel July and feel what I felt then long enough to write about it.
1. I Still Care for You, Ray Lamontagne
This is almost a precursor to Bon Iver's album (and it comes right before Bon Iver's song, too! That wasn't an accident). This song was the first time I got a glimpse of this achy, moody, flowy sort of music style that I've come to love a lot. The song itself is really simple, and the lyrics aren't really that extravagant or poetic, even though the song feels like it is. The music carries the message more than the actual words do, because this is a song about sadness and being left behind and having to pick up the pieces but not being able to, so all you can say is, "I still care for you." You're so shell-shocked and frozen that you repeat the same thing over and over and the waves of all you feel rushes over you, but it's tender, too. I still care for you.
2. Holocene, Bon Iver
One of the most famous Bon Iver songs, along with Skinny Love. This used to bother me, especially when people wouldn't understand the meaning of the song. Whereas a lot of Bon Iver songs on his newer album are open to interpretation (by design) and even the same person does not see the same things on every single listen, I think the meaning of this song is the clearest out of all the others in the album. I should mention that the album's concept was an emphasis on sound over lyrics, which is why a lot of the time the lyrics are nonsensical. They're not cryptically trying to convey a deeper meaning; a lot of the time, a word is there just because it "sounds right". The repeating phrase in Holocene, though, is, "At once, I knew I was not magnificent." and, "I can see for miles, miles, miles." Literally, I envision hikers finding themselves on a mountaintop overlooking the land beneath them, so high up that the curvature of the earth is actually visible (I have been in a somewhat similar situation climbing a very very tall Mayan pyramid two years ago), or a pilot when he journeys up on a cloudless night, the land beneath him ablaze with tiny pinpricks of light (I have seen this, too). It's an awe of everything in the world and how spectacular it is, and acknowledging that in your regular, day-to-day life, you do not realise how wonderful the world is. You need to be reminded.
3. Welcome Home, Radical Face
We're keeping the airy feel but it's slowly moving toward ground. This is less idealistic than Holocene and I Still Care For You. While the song initially captured my attention because of the melody, the lyrics matter in this one.
It's simultaneously sad but confident; life's been bad but it's going to be okay because he's safe in the familiarity of his home, even if it's a meagre existence. He's entirely committed to getting through it and moving past all the bad things that have happened, but sometimes the resolve falters and he falls: "All my nightmares escape my head. Bar the door, please, don't let them in. You were never supposed to leave, now my head's splitting at the seams, and I don't know if I can."
In the end he resigns, admitting that his ghosts still haunt him: "Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs press into my skin again." No matter how determined he is, the ghost doesn't leave, but they don't slam, screech, break things. They press into him underneath his lungs, where he can feel their gentle yet persistent force every single time he takes a breath.
It's important to at least note that in the album by Radical Face, a major theme is being haunted by ghosts (in that particular album, the ghost of one very bad and abusive relationship).
4. The Conductor's Regress, The Winston Jazz Routine
This one starts off slowly but the strings slowly build underneath the brass until they burst out above the dominant melody, making the song more complex but still calm.
And then there are violins and they're slow and you'd think they'd be sad but it's more nostalgic than anything. Crisp autumn leaves and the past remembered with a bittersweet taste in your mouth, but you're left feeling like the future is just as rich as the past is.
I asked for this CD for last Christmas and that's what it feels like. I listened to it a lot around that time because it seemed perfect. It still seems perfect, except now the songs are too slow.
5. No Children, The Mountain Goats
So after the last song you're expecting something happy BUT NO because I'm cruel. This is an abrasive, scary, and chillingly relatable song (although I have no idea why because I've never been in a bad marriage). It reminds me a bit of friendships and relationships that have ended less than favourably and that time right after when all I wanted was death unto the other person for being so terrible, and unto me for having to deal with the aftermath.
I don't know how much I have to say about this song except that it's right because it's exactly as angry as it should be.
6. In Our Bedroom After the War, Stars
I don't know what it is about the song which makes me feel very okay. It's France streets bustling with a very French crowd: pleasant and soft and lovely. It's the love that makes it rain. It's the contentedness you feel walking by the bay by yourself in the early morning. It's those very special conditions where it can be sunny and happy without being despicable and lifeless and fake.
7. Everything is Ending, Chameleon Circuit
I'm not an Amy/Doctor shipper. This song is good for every reason the dynamics of their "relationship" is in the show - Amy feels connected to the Doctor, thinks their meeting to be fate, is convinced that they're supposed to be together forever. She's desperately in love with the man she's known since she was a child. He attempts to extract himself from this because he doesn't want to get into any sort of romantic relationship with this girl; all he really wants is her friendship. As her friend, he wants to help her, but sometimes her depth and complexity astounds even the man of the stars. So how could she, confusing and tragic Amy Pond, his friend Amy Pond, suddenly be coming onto him, a genius who hides behind childishness to avoid feeling pain?
8. A Un Autre Comme Moi, Laurena Segura
It's just overall sad and very, very resigned.
It also, for some reason, reminds me of something but I can't remember what. It's nostalgic for everything that's ever happened and ever will happen.
9. Stubborn Love, The Lumineers
Beautiful, gorgeous song. My favourite on the album. Something about it feels very much like me, which I know is weird to say, but it feels like it could encompass my life. It would be on the soundtrack because of its feel.
I'm not going to lie, much of the appeal of this song is because of its sound. The lyrics, save for, "It's better to feel pain than nothing at all, the opposite of love's indifference." and, "I don't blame you, dear, running like you did all these years. I would do the same, you best believe. The highway signs say we're close, but I don't read those things anymore. I never trusted my own eyes.", are almost irrelevant.
When you listen to this song don't try to find a meaning in the progression of the melody or the lyrics. Don't try to make historical references or appeal to a sense of aesthetic appeal. Close your eyes and go with the music and maybe you will feel like it's completely you, too, and that it doesn't need to be anything else to be right.
Tyler showed me this CD several months ago. I loved it when I first listened to it. There have been very few CDs that I have accepted with as much enthusiasm.
10. The Trapeze Swinger, Iron & Wine
The most lyrically heavy song on this CD, and it seems almost too much. I don't know where to start describing this song.
You're pleading with someone you were once close to that they don't forget you, or that they remember you fondly. You're reliving these memories and suddenly just get so lost because it must mean something, right? There must be some common thread there, something to learn about humanity.
There are a lot of things to take from this song, especially if you isolate the lines. In the end, it's a person remembering and reminiscing and saying, "Can you remember? Look at all we were!" because life went on but he's not quite ready to move on with it.
But there are so many memories, see? If you remember too much you're lost in all that's happened, unable to make your way, confused and searching for meaning where there isn't any.
I remember listening to this song on the LIRR with Elana, heading to nerdprom. She looked fab as always and I actually wore a dress and matched it with stuff. I thought I looked uber cute but I don't have any pictures so just take my word for it, okay? We sat at two chairs right by the door and she said, "Do you have music?" and this was the first thing that played and we just sat in silence for the entire 9 minutes of the same melody over and over. Later that night, I ate the world's largest burger and made plans with people that were never fulfilled. I felt okay.
11. Civilian, Wye Oak
I can't write about this song. I know for some of the other songs I said I can't word it but for this one I'm not even going to try to write something. I got this song from a playlist Emily made of music Nate showed her. I try to disassociate this song from that because Nate always made me mad and Emily makes me feel mixed things, a lot of which are not good, so I'm going to just leave it here. This is a good song. When I forget about this song it always comes back just as good as it was the first time.
12. Hummingbird, 41st and Home
One time I was telling Maarya about this song and how excited it made me, but I think she was scared that it was angry and I liked it, so she didn't share in my enthusiasm.
I had a phase in which all I listened to was this song. I think it was something about the melody of it; I'm not a terribly deep person sometimes, I can be obsessed with a song just because it sounds good. I even made a spotify playlist dedicated to this song.
It hit me one day what he was saying at the end: "You'll make a fool of us all."
This is important because the whole song he's saying that the person should go and leave and it'll be okay because he understands, but in the end he screams, "You'll make a fool of us all, you'll make a fool of us all, you'll make a fool of us all."
13. Morning Song, The Lumineers
There seem to be a lot of Tyler songs on here, which is weird because Tyler was the last thing on my mind in July (sorry, Tyler, for both those statements). This song reminds me a lot of Waves, by Richard Walters before he was cool and put songs on CDs and sold them and stuff. If you're not familiar with that song (Tyler is), here.
This song stands out on The Lumineers album because the rest of it is relatively jovial. Even sad songs like Charlie Boy are just sad, and that's it. This song, though, is explosive. You think it's just going to be sad and quiet and slow while he's singing and then you get to the louder parts and you realise it's not all sad it's angry it's weeping it's tearing your heart through
Something about the juxtaposition. I think there have been attempts at scientifically proving that sort of thing. I'd go into that science but there are already so many things I want to do.
"It's a shame that it ends this way, with nothing left to say. So just sit on your hands while I walk away. It's a shame, it's a shame when my hands begin to shake, when bitterness is all I taste, when my car won't start because I cut the brakes. I hold on to a hope in my fate."
14. Along the Road, Radical Face
I had a very big Radical Face phase during the summer, which is funny because in 9th grade I put the exact same album on my iTunes wish list. Funny how things work.
This song is best listened to with earphones with your eyes closed when you lay or lean against something and remain still. Or looking up into the night sky ablaze with stars. Then you hear the creaking in the background and the tiny details, all the intricacies of the pattern the music paints in front of you.
This is how I felt when I stargazed at camp, laying out in that basketball field at the top of the hill with my arms oustretched. We, being new staff, were more scared of the night patrols than we should have been, and hid by the church-turned-theatre with our backs flat against the building and our breathing heavy. We thought maybe Eileen in the golf cart wouldn't see us, and we stood there like that for a long time, too afraid to peel ourselves off the wall and venture into the open air in front of us where we would be vulnerable. Finally, I disattached myself from our line and went into the centre of the basketball field, where I lay down and stared at the stars above me. Everyone else whispered behind me, saying things like, "What is she doing?", "Is she insane?", "Why did she just go lay down?" And then the whispers grew quieter, more scarce, until there was silence. I had my eyes closed, but I felt the person lay down next to me. "Tell me about space." Sarah said, so I did, and they listened, and I felt like this song.
15. We Love You So
9th grade
But this isn't a rant about how perfect last November was, because that's a whole thing in and of itself. Hopefully, looking at this list of songs, I can channel July and feel what I felt then long enough to write about it.
1. I Still Care for You, Ray Lamontagne
This is almost a precursor to Bon Iver's album (and it comes right before Bon Iver's song, too! That wasn't an accident). This song was the first time I got a glimpse of this achy, moody, flowy sort of music style that I've come to love a lot. The song itself is really simple, and the lyrics aren't really that extravagant or poetic, even though the song feels like it is. The music carries the message more than the actual words do, because this is a song about sadness and being left behind and having to pick up the pieces but not being able to, so all you can say is, "I still care for you." You're so shell-shocked and frozen that you repeat the same thing over and over and the waves of all you feel rushes over you, but it's tender, too. I still care for you.
2. Holocene, Bon Iver
One of the most famous Bon Iver songs, along with Skinny Love. This used to bother me, especially when people wouldn't understand the meaning of the song. Whereas a lot of Bon Iver songs on his newer album are open to interpretation (by design) and even the same person does not see the same things on every single listen, I think the meaning of this song is the clearest out of all the others in the album. I should mention that the album's concept was an emphasis on sound over lyrics, which is why a lot of the time the lyrics are nonsensical. They're not cryptically trying to convey a deeper meaning; a lot of the time, a word is there just because it "sounds right". The repeating phrase in Holocene, though, is, "At once, I knew I was not magnificent." and, "I can see for miles, miles, miles." Literally, I envision hikers finding themselves on a mountaintop overlooking the land beneath them, so high up that the curvature of the earth is actually visible (I have been in a somewhat similar situation climbing a very very tall Mayan pyramid two years ago), or a pilot when he journeys up on a cloudless night, the land beneath him ablaze with tiny pinpricks of light (I have seen this, too). It's an awe of everything in the world and how spectacular it is, and acknowledging that in your regular, day-to-day life, you do not realise how wonderful the world is. You need to be reminded.
3. Welcome Home, Radical Face
We're keeping the airy feel but it's slowly moving toward ground. This is less idealistic than Holocene and I Still Care For You. While the song initially captured my attention because of the melody, the lyrics matter in this one.
It's simultaneously sad but confident; life's been bad but it's going to be okay because he's safe in the familiarity of his home, even if it's a meagre existence. He's entirely committed to getting through it and moving past all the bad things that have happened, but sometimes the resolve falters and he falls: "All my nightmares escape my head. Bar the door, please, don't let them in. You were never supposed to leave, now my head's splitting at the seams, and I don't know if I can."
In the end he resigns, admitting that his ghosts still haunt him: "Here, beneath my lungs, I feel your thumbs press into my skin again." No matter how determined he is, the ghost doesn't leave, but they don't slam, screech, break things. They press into him underneath his lungs, where he can feel their gentle yet persistent force every single time he takes a breath.
It's important to at least note that in the album by Radical Face, a major theme is being haunted by ghosts (in that particular album, the ghost of one very bad and abusive relationship).
4. The Conductor's Regress, The Winston Jazz Routine
This one starts off slowly but the strings slowly build underneath the brass until they burst out above the dominant melody, making the song more complex but still calm.
And then there are violins and they're slow and you'd think they'd be sad but it's more nostalgic than anything. Crisp autumn leaves and the past remembered with a bittersweet taste in your mouth, but you're left feeling like the future is just as rich as the past is.
I asked for this CD for last Christmas and that's what it feels like. I listened to it a lot around that time because it seemed perfect. It still seems perfect, except now the songs are too slow.
5. No Children, The Mountain Goats
So after the last song you're expecting something happy BUT NO because I'm cruel. This is an abrasive, scary, and chillingly relatable song (although I have no idea why because I've never been in a bad marriage). It reminds me a bit of friendships and relationships that have ended less than favourably and that time right after when all I wanted was death unto the other person for being so terrible, and unto me for having to deal with the aftermath.
I don't know how much I have to say about this song except that it's right because it's exactly as angry as it should be.
6. In Our Bedroom After the War, Stars
I don't know what it is about the song which makes me feel very okay. It's France streets bustling with a very French crowd: pleasant and soft and lovely. It's the love that makes it rain. It's the contentedness you feel walking by the bay by yourself in the early morning. It's those very special conditions where it can be sunny and happy without being despicable and lifeless and fake.
7. Everything is Ending, Chameleon Circuit
I'm not an Amy/Doctor shipper. This song is good for every reason the dynamics of their "relationship" is in the show - Amy feels connected to the Doctor, thinks their meeting to be fate, is convinced that they're supposed to be together forever. She's desperately in love with the man she's known since she was a child. He attempts to extract himself from this because he doesn't want to get into any sort of romantic relationship with this girl; all he really wants is her friendship. As her friend, he wants to help her, but sometimes her depth and complexity astounds even the man of the stars. So how could she, confusing and tragic Amy Pond, his friend Amy Pond, suddenly be coming onto him, a genius who hides behind childishness to avoid feeling pain?
8. A Un Autre Comme Moi, Laurena Segura
Je croyais que j’avais trouvé quelqu’un qui était comme moi, mais non, ce n’est pas toi.
Je voulais être en amour, oui, et je veux toujours l’être.
Non, tu ne m’en empêcheras pas.
J’ai déjà cru appartenir aux personnes qui pardonnent, qui oublient puis fredonnent, mais quand les mensonges se multiplient, mon cœur perd des couleurs et puis je m’assombrie.
Je marche à l’école quand il fait encore noir, dehors, et le soir même, j’étudie, je fais mes devoirs.
C’était très bien d’avoir une distraction de temps en temps.
Sans tes niaiseries, les journées passeraient lentement.
Et si je t’aimais, me parlerais-tu pour autant?
Et si je t’ignore, est-ce que ça te blesserait facilement?
La météo n’est pas fiable, mais pas autant que toi, non pas autant que toi.
Les nouvelles du jour me font pleurer, mais pas autant que toi, jamais autant que toi.
La météo n’est pas fiable, mais pas autant que toi.
Je voulais être en amour, oui, et tu ne m’en empêcheras pas.
J’ai déjà crus appartenir aux personnes qui pardonnent, qui oublient puis fredonnent
I used to think that I found someone who was like me, but no, it's not you.Basically the song is Robert (am I allowed to say that?). It's not really accusing anymore, just stating sadly. "Je croyais que j'avais trouve quelqu'un qui etait comme moi, mais non, ce n'est pas toi." I used to think we were a thing, that you understood me, that you were like me. You're not, though. You never were, and now I'm alone and your words hurt me more than I ever thought possible. Do I mean anything at all to you?
I would like to be in love, yes, and I'll always want to be.
No, you won't stop me.
I once believed I belong with people who forgive, who forget and then hum, but when the lies multiplied, my heart lost its colours and I grew dim.
I walk to school when it's still dark, and at night, I study and do my homework.
It's great to have a distraction from time to time.
Without your silliness, the days pass slowly.
And if I liked you, would you still talk to me?
And if I ignore you, would you ignore me easily?
The weather is unreliable, but not as much as you.
The news makes me cry, but not as much as you, never as much as you.
It's just overall sad and very, very resigned.
It also, for some reason, reminds me of something but I can't remember what. It's nostalgic for everything that's ever happened and ever will happen.
9. Stubborn Love, The Lumineers
Beautiful, gorgeous song. My favourite on the album. Something about it feels very much like me, which I know is weird to say, but it feels like it could encompass my life. It would be on the soundtrack because of its feel.
I'm not going to lie, much of the appeal of this song is because of its sound. The lyrics, save for, "It's better to feel pain than nothing at all, the opposite of love's indifference." and, "I don't blame you, dear, running like you did all these years. I would do the same, you best believe. The highway signs say we're close, but I don't read those things anymore. I never trusted my own eyes.", are almost irrelevant.
When you listen to this song don't try to find a meaning in the progression of the melody or the lyrics. Don't try to make historical references or appeal to a sense of aesthetic appeal. Close your eyes and go with the music and maybe you will feel like it's completely you, too, and that it doesn't need to be anything else to be right.
Tyler showed me this CD several months ago. I loved it when I first listened to it. There have been very few CDs that I have accepted with as much enthusiasm.
10. The Trapeze Swinger, Iron & Wine
The most lyrically heavy song on this CD, and it seems almost too much. I don't know where to start describing this song.
You're pleading with someone you were once close to that they don't forget you, or that they remember you fondly. You're reliving these memories and suddenly just get so lost because it must mean something, right? There must be some common thread there, something to learn about humanity.
There are a lot of things to take from this song, especially if you isolate the lines. In the end, it's a person remembering and reminiscing and saying, "Can you remember? Look at all we were!" because life went on but he's not quite ready to move on with it.
But there are so many memories, see? If you remember too much you're lost in all that's happened, unable to make your way, confused and searching for meaning where there isn't any.
I remember listening to this song on the LIRR with Elana, heading to nerdprom. She looked fab as always and I actually wore a dress and matched it with stuff. I thought I looked uber cute but I don't have any pictures so just take my word for it, okay? We sat at two chairs right by the door and she said, "Do you have music?" and this was the first thing that played and we just sat in silence for the entire 9 minutes of the same melody over and over. Later that night, I ate the world's largest burger and made plans with people that were never fulfilled. I felt okay.
11. Civilian, Wye Oak
I can't write about this song. I know for some of the other songs I said I can't word it but for this one I'm not even going to try to write something. I got this song from a playlist Emily made of music Nate showed her. I try to disassociate this song from that because Nate always made me mad and Emily makes me feel mixed things, a lot of which are not good, so I'm going to just leave it here. This is a good song. When I forget about this song it always comes back just as good as it was the first time.
12. Hummingbird, 41st and Home
One time I was telling Maarya about this song and how excited it made me, but I think she was scared that it was angry and I liked it, so she didn't share in my enthusiasm.
I had a phase in which all I listened to was this song. I think it was something about the melody of it; I'm not a terribly deep person sometimes, I can be obsessed with a song just because it sounds good. I even made a spotify playlist dedicated to this song.
It hit me one day what he was saying at the end: "You'll make a fool of us all."
This is important because the whole song he's saying that the person should go and leave and it'll be okay because he understands, but in the end he screams, "You'll make a fool of us all, you'll make a fool of us all, you'll make a fool of us all."
13. Morning Song, The Lumineers
There seem to be a lot of Tyler songs on here, which is weird because Tyler was the last thing on my mind in July (sorry, Tyler, for both those statements). This song reminds me a lot of Waves, by Richard Walters before he was cool and put songs on CDs and sold them and stuff. If you're not familiar with that song (Tyler is), here.
This song stands out on The Lumineers album because the rest of it is relatively jovial. Even sad songs like Charlie Boy are just sad, and that's it. This song, though, is explosive. You think it's just going to be sad and quiet and slow while he's singing and then you get to the louder parts and you realise it's not all sad it's angry it's weeping it's tearing your heart through
Something about the juxtaposition. I think there have been attempts at scientifically proving that sort of thing. I'd go into that science but there are already so many things I want to do.
"It's a shame that it ends this way, with nothing left to say. So just sit on your hands while I walk away. It's a shame, it's a shame when my hands begin to shake, when bitterness is all I taste, when my car won't start because I cut the brakes. I hold on to a hope in my fate."
14. Along the Road, Radical Face
I had a very big Radical Face phase during the summer, which is funny because in 9th grade I put the exact same album on my iTunes wish list. Funny how things work.
This song is best listened to with earphones with your eyes closed when you lay or lean against something and remain still. Or looking up into the night sky ablaze with stars. Then you hear the creaking in the background and the tiny details, all the intricacies of the pattern the music paints in front of you.
This is how I felt when I stargazed at camp, laying out in that basketball field at the top of the hill with my arms oustretched. We, being new staff, were more scared of the night patrols than we should have been, and hid by the church-turned-theatre with our backs flat against the building and our breathing heavy. We thought maybe Eileen in the golf cart wouldn't see us, and we stood there like that for a long time, too afraid to peel ourselves off the wall and venture into the open air in front of us where we would be vulnerable. Finally, I disattached myself from our line and went into the centre of the basketball field, where I lay down and stared at the stars above me. Everyone else whispered behind me, saying things like, "What is she doing?", "Is she insane?", "Why did she just go lay down?" And then the whispers grew quieter, more scarce, until there was silence. I had my eyes closed, but I felt the person lay down next to me. "Tell me about space." Sarah said, so I did, and they listened, and I felt like this song.
15. We Love You So
9th grade
Friday, October 26, 2012
Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out across the sky (nanonotnano #2)
Amidst some hasty talk of you and me and everything in between, it suddenly dawned that I, lazy beast of the deep, could roar no more mightily than the mice I used to abhor. Do not pity this change in me, though for it has been thrust upon my shoulders, I can assure you that I am in no way incapable of self-correction.
I have reviewed the matter at hand and decided that though this may be the death of me, it'll be the death of my accuser, too. Just you wait! Revenge will take its toll and I, the civil servant, will walk patiently onward till my feet give and I collapse, the apex of my existence reached.
Or not. Or I will grow old this way - not obliterating in a torrent of hellfire but expiring slowly, my skin, over time, becoming laced with varicose veins. Perhaps I will not have my revenge. Who am I fighting, anyway?
But damn you, you who made me this way!
The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock, by T.S.Eliot. This has hardly anything to do with the actual poem, but the poem put me in a mood and I wrote it down. The mood is much closer to Damn These Vampires, by The Mountain Goats, but I put Prufrock here because it was the initial inspiration.
I have reviewed the matter at hand and decided that though this may be the death of me, it'll be the death of my accuser, too. Just you wait! Revenge will take its toll and I, the civil servant, will walk patiently onward till my feet give and I collapse, the apex of my existence reached.
Or not. Or I will grow old this way - not obliterating in a torrent of hellfire but expiring slowly, my skin, over time, becoming laced with varicose veins. Perhaps I will not have my revenge. Who am I fighting, anyway?
But damn you, you who made me this way!
The Love Song of Alfred J. Prufrock, by T.S.Eliot. This has hardly anything to do with the actual poem, but the poem put me in a mood and I wrote it down. The mood is much closer to Damn These Vampires, by The Mountain Goats, but I put Prufrock here because it was the initial inspiration.
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